"A Wretch Like Me"

Months passed and I didn’t keep my word to God. I kept doing drugs and selling drugs and continued in my horrible lifestyle. I had flashbacks every day and nightmares every night. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I felt like my eyes were bleeding. I didn’t know what was real or just in my head. I was constantly fighting and running from demons. I noticed when I got high it was worse so I slowed down and backed off the hard drugs.  

One night I ended up at my friend’s house. My friend who was dealing drugs with me passed out quickly but I wasn’t tired. I walked into the living room and his little brother was watching the prayer channel on TV. He was a Christian and I had made fun of him a lot for it. I was very mean to him. There was nothing else to do and it was late so I watched TV with him.

The preacher might as well have been talking directly to me. He listed all the things I was doing and the consequences of my actions and then he asked if anyone wanted to pray. I did, but I didn’t know how. My friend’s little brother turned off the TV and started to leave the room. He saw I was crying and I just assumed he would laugh at me and tell people, but he didn’t. He had compassion on me. He sat back down and talked with me. I told him about all the hell I was going through. He let me finish and then he asked what I thought Heaven was like. I shrugged it off. I said I had no idea. Pretty boring I suppose? You can’t do anything fun. Maybe it had angels playing harps, clouds, and emptiness. None of my friends would be there and I wouldn’t be there either. I had escaped hell for a little while but I knew I was going back.

 He said do you mind if I read to you what the Bible says heaven is like. I nodded. He said no eye has seen, no ear has heard nor has it entered into the mind of man what God has prepared for those that love him. He asked me if I had seen and heard cool things. I told him yes. He told me, “you can’t even imagine imagining what God has in store for you in heaven.” Then he read the last two chapters of the Bible to me (Revelation 21-22). It went on and on about all the beautiful things in heaven; streets of gold, jewels and gates made of pearls. We would see God face to face. We will be his people and he will be our God. There will be no more curse. We will be healed and live forever. And then I cried because I knew I would never be there.

For the first time in my life I actually wanted to go to Heaven but at that same moment I realized that my very presence would ruin Heaven. It would be tarnished if I was there.  

I knew and I said out loud that I couldn’t possibly do enough good things to make up for all the bad things I have done in my life. I couldn’t even comprehend what good things could balance the scales. I knew what I was. There was no hiding me. It was obvious to everyone. I was a drug addict, drug dealer, thief, liar, drop out, loser, metal head, filthy mouthed rotten human being and I knew it. And then I cried because I was hopeless. I could never be in Heaven. I was doomed to go back to hell. It was just a matter of time.

And then he agreed with me. He said you are right there is nothing you can do to make up for all the wrong you have done. And then I was devastated because he was right. But, he continued, Jesus loves you so much that he died in your place. He took the punishment for all you have done. The Son of God became a man and if you were the only person on Earth he would have done it just for you.  

People dismiss this quickly because we have heard it so much. But this was the first time I had ever heard the gospel, the good news, and I felt the gravity of that statement because I know the weight of my sin. No one has to tell me I’m a bad person. I already know. I remember saying through tears, ”Why would he do that…for me? Why would anyone do that for me? Don’t you know what I am? I am worthless.”

He told me the price was paid and now it was my choice as to whether I would accept his gift to me. And I said, “What idiot says no to that offer?” So he prayed with me and I have never been the same. I turned my back on the life that was killing me and I decided to follow Jesus. I didn’t care what he asked me to do. I would do it with my whole heart and with a smile.  

And do you know what he asked me to do? He asked me to love him back and to love my fellow man. That is easy. He paid my death penalty and then just asked for love in return. Shortly after this I was baptized. I have been clean and sober since July 29th, 1989. I have had a full and blessed life. At no point do I look back and wonder what I have missed out on. I already know. I missed out on pain, loneliness, hopelessness, prison, an early death and hell forever. I couldn’t be more grateful for what I missed out on.

I tell everyone I meet what God has done for me. And he can do the same for you. It isn’t too late and you are not too far gone. I don’t care what you have done. There is forgiveness, healing and salvation waiting for you. Stop making excuses. Stop talking yourself out of it. Stop trying to clean up before you come to Jesus. Just let him in. I promise you won’t regret it. I love you and I look forward to spending eternity with you.