Billy's Story

He was the only soul I couldn’t save. My dad. He was the hub of our picture perfect family and he held us together

He had a smile he was known for, a trademark of sorts. It was a thousand watt smile that drew people to him when he walked into a room. He exuded warmth and comfort and charisma. He brought people together in a way that not many could. He was a man who cared about the wellbeing of everyone around him and would do anything for the people he loved.

He had a beautiful wife and children that adored him. We had a home that was what many people only dreamed of. At one point in his life, my dad achieved what he thought was the ultimate goal. He built his dream business and became a millionaire. Much of his family worked alongside him. They were building their dreams through his dreams. It was what he had always wanted.

It looked like Billy had it all.

But what most people could not see was what was hidden underneath.

As the business grew so did my dad’s beast. As he shouldered the burden of his venture, his ability to fight this beast diminished.

My dad was an alcoholic.

This was something I was very aware of from the time I was a little girl.

From the time I was small, I used every shooting star that fell from the sky, every birthday candle I blew out, and every penny I threw into a fountain to wish his addiction away. I even shaped my life goals around his addiction and chose a career in counseling so that I might learn enough about him to save him from himself. It was a large task for a little girl and a young woman, but I believed I might be his only hope.

And like money and success do, the money ran out and the business eventually failed. And so did Billy’s purpose.

I believe that the loss of what he had built left an even bigger hole in my dad than any of us could understand. A hole my dad tried to fill with more alcohol.

The more he lost, the more he drank. And then, the more he felt lost. Through all this my dad worried about his salvation. He never knew if he had “done enough” to satisfy God with his life and if it was enough to secure his place in heaven.

To be honest, I was worried about his salvation too. I didn’t feel like dad ever really “got it”. He would never fully grasp that it wasn’t up to him to earn his salvation. No matter how many people he helped, he would never be good enough to earn God’s grace and mercy.

I frequently invited dad to church so that maybe he would finally hear the message that would give him the moment that he needed, where the power of the cross was understood and made its way past his head and into his heart. That moment never came.

I did get Dad to join me and my family one Sunday. He walked into the building and was greeted by a long time friend who called out “Hell hath frozen over for Billy Lickey is at church!” My heart sank as my dad turned around and walked out the door, never to let his shadow cross the threshold again. Dad already felt truly inadequate, and it didn’t take much to push him over the edge into completely giving up on the one thing that could have given him hope.

Late one night, my dad called me from a dark parking lot. He had a gun in his lap and was ready to end it all. I’ll never forget what he said:

"I am worthless. I have nothing left to give. I have become nothing. I really am worthless.”

Why dad called me that night, I will never know. But I do know that God gave me the words to say to him that stopped him from committing suicide in that parking lot. I was able to stand in the gap for him and give him one last opportunity to understand that he was so much more than what he could give.

Ultimately, I just delayed the inevitable. My dad passed away about a month after that night, and it was the last conversation I ever had with him.

Dad’s funeral was filled with hundreds of people from our community who respected and loved him. The line for the visitation was wrapped around the building and overflowed into the parking lot. The crowd was overwhelming and the visitors all had stories to tell about how my dad had impacted them.

I wish he could have seen it.

I was truly distressed the day I told my dad that final goodbye. I had no peace in my soul. I was haunted by the thought that my dad hadn’t been able to finally bridge the gap between himself and God. My father in law could see my inner conflict and had these words to say to me:

“I believe this incredibly beautiful thing happens when we come into the light and presence of our Lord and Savior as we cross from this world into the next. We are in complete awe of meeting our magnificent Creator. All of our sinful nature falls away along with the darkness of the fallen world we lived in, and we finally feel the peace, light and love we always desired in our lives. Then Jesus only asks us one thing when we come face to face with Him. ‘Do you believe in me and the sacrifice I made for your eternal salvation?’

If the answer is ‘Yes’, the life we lived before and all of our struggles with sin, addiction, or any other baggage we carry from living in a dark, fallen world falls away. Jesus has already paid the ultimate price and that is what ultimately opens the gates to Heaven. Nothing else.”

From that day forward I began to see this life as a long messy road trip from one side to the
next.
People may see the baggage we carry and try to determine how well we are doing.
The condition of those suitcases determines how well we have lived or haven’t lived.
But truthfully, people are not the filter.
Jesus is

The things we have carried along in this life and the choices we have made by no means determine our truth. They all fall away and the only thing left standing is us, in front of a God who sees our heart and wants to know one thing. Do you believe?

My dad. He was the only soul I couldn’t save. It was never my job to save him. He fell into the hands of a loving and merciful savior.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 NIV"