Thanks for being so brave and sharing your heart with us Valerie.
Growing up my life wasn’t perfect, but I feel like I knew what love was. Even though my mom struggled with mental health issues and my dad was often consumed with work to support us, I feel like I was shown what a healthy family should look like. But, because I often lacked the attention and affection that young women need to feel secure in themselves, I realize now that I searched for attention elsewhere and got myself into a world of pain that I never expected.
I went to church off and on, but church was more of a social event for me. I don’t think I ever really understood the premise of church and what the importance really was.
My parents divorced my senior year. They were very wrapped up in their own issues so neither one was active in my life. The loneliness at this time in my life left me vulnerable. I met a young man from a different town and we started dating through the summer. In the fall he left for school at Virginia Tech. I stayed home and attempted to take classes at our local community college but just wasn’t quite ready to dive into my education. I just spent my weekdays working and weekends driving to visit him.
The following summer I ended up pregnant. After a few weeks of staying with him at his parent’s house, I was regularly bombarded with their thoughts on how I will ruin my and his life if I have this baby, they set me up a meeting at Planned Parenthood. When I got there, I was riddled with statistics and guilt trips. When I leave the appointment I was scheduled with an appointment for an abortion.
Even though I was not in a good place in my life, this process broke me. I had always wanted to be a mother, and yet here I was choosing to end my child’s life for the sake of others and an “easier road”. I carried this burden into my everyday life. I didn’t know how to cope with the pain of my decision so I began to mask my pain with weed and alcohol. When you’re only 18 with no emotional support, it seems to be the only path when you are broken. My boyfriend and I broke up shortly after that.
I started working at a local restaurant to try to put my life back together, and also began dropping all my friends throughout the next few years. I was completely empty and completely numb.
Through these difficult times I ended up getting kicked out of my house. I ended up sharing a rental with a friend of mine for a short period of time before he moved back in with his family. Officially, I am on my own for the first time.
I was still working at the restaurant when I met Nick. We began getting to know each other and despite growing up in two completely different environments, we had a lot of things in common. He also had recently gone through a breakup and had a two year old son with his ex. He was living with his parents most of the time, but they lived a long way from work, so it wasn’t the most convenient option for him. I eventually offered to let him stay at my place as I had plenty of space for me, Nick, and his son.
As expected, it wasn’t long before Nick and I were intimately involved. I also found myself actively helping with his son, Shawn. He was an easy little boy to love. His little voice and smile melted my heart. Shawn and I even shared the same birthday. He was also the same age that my child would have been. Even though the void in my heart left by the loss of my child could never be completely filled, my relationship with Shawn was exactly what I needed to begin healing.
Nick and I started building a home together, and we soon discover that Shawn is being neglected while he’s in his mother’s care. Nick quickly decided he wanted to file for custody of his son. He had a fairly large obstacle to overcome, however. In the state of Virginia it is illegal to live under the same roof as a child unless you are related. We had a few choices. We go our separate ways and try to make it on our own once again, or get married. So six months into the relationship at only 19 and 21 years old, and many sleepless nights and discussions, we began talking about the possibility of marriage. It was risky. We had only known each other for a short period of time. I had always wanted my own little family so I began to reason that there was really no harm done. If it worked out, it would be a great story to tell. If it didn’t, we would get Shawn into a safe home and eventually get a divorce. This moment in time was not about me. I cared for Nick and I loved Shawn, so it was a chance I was willing to take.
Nick and I took the leap of faith shortly after. We went to the justice of the peace, while Shawn tried to escape as we said our vows. We wrangled the young boy, exchanged wedding bands from Walmart, and got married. It was chaotic and beautiful all at the same time, just like the life that we began to build.
We fought through the good, the bad and the ugly. Life was good overall, but something was missing. We just couldn’t figure out exactly what that was. We worked hard to clean our lives up for Shawn and eventually, Shawn’s mother signed her rights over to me. I began to change my life plans because officially, I was the mom I had always wanted to be. But still, something was lacking in our lives.
During these times of growth I began working at the local hospital. One day, I ran into my old algebra teacher. We were very familiar with each other, mostly because I had failed his class 3 times in high school. We had several years to build a relationship, and this man had known me at my worst times. He told me he was a pastor now at a church very close to our home. After catching up, he invited me to come to his church. I spoke with Nick about it and we both were interested in giving it a try.
It felt good to get involved with other families. Something just felt right about the people we were getting to know. Shawn started to make some great friends and get involved in the church programs. Slowly, we dove deeper into what it meant to be Christian. Neither one of us believed we deserved God’s grace, but we truly wanted it so badly. When we began to hear that it's fully obtainable despite past choices, we started building hope. Life began to get easier, but also harder in a sense. Through it all, we persevered and stayed on the path. Our pastor came to our house one evening just to check in on us. He made sure we felt comfortable at the church and asked us how Shawn was doing. He knew Shawn well as Shawn would always run up to him and give him big hugs when we saw him.
Before he left that night, he spoke to us about forgiveness and accepting Christ into our hearts. It felt like a huge decision because I still wasn’t sure if I fully understood what being a Christian even meant. Being saved and forgiven made sense, but was I putting on a show? Did I truly deserve this? Was I being authentic? My fears of being like my mother came to the surface. I watched her change who she was depending on who she was around. I didn’t want to walk that same path. But I knew I wanted this. Forgiveness, grace, and peace. And I wanted this deeply. For me, for my husband, for my son and for my heart.
That night, hand in hand, Nick and I gave our hearts to God. We prayed together, cried together, and held each other. I still didn’t fully understand but I knew it felt right.
As we grew in our faith, it became clearer what we had been missing all this time. It was God. It was Him the whole time, tugging at us, pulling us to Him. We knew right from wrong, and we knew of God. But we learned that in all this, God knew us.
He took us on separate paths, brought us together on the same path, and jointly brought us to Himself. All we did was follow what felt right and listened to the little nudges in our lives.
My husband and I were born again on August 22, 2011 when we were baptized in the name of Christ, and we have not been the same since. Now, we are coming up on 18 years of marriage and we have walked through battle after battle together. We’ve walked through blessing after blessing together as well, including adding our second child, a daughter, when Shawn was 11 years old. I was told I was unable to have children, but God sent her when the time was just right.
Our marriage has reflected our faith in so many ways. You have to fight for what’s right. You have to battle through pain and loss, and rejoice together when things are good. The world will pull you away from your faith and from your partner and you always have to fight for what is good and right.
My walk hasn’t been smooth. I have lost family and friends. I have separated from church, got back up and started over again. I have watched churches and families fall apart and my faith has been shaken. But overall, my heart is definitely complete now that I realized what was missing all along.
Jesus.